Man, I have had some great times in my life. Things changed after I created OTR. Music changed my life. I have always loved music and wanted to be involved in it.
But I truly was made for the behind the scenes. If I had another shot to do it again, I could have owned a nice sound company with a couple DJs and sound guys. I would still have the radio. But my dream what I genuinely wanted to do is run my own recording studio and shoot music videos. I have this ear for sound. I could have made it and been highly successful. And not having to pay for graphic design or web or mobile things as I knew them as well.
Like I said I could have and maybe that’s only in my own eyes, but I felt I was good at I was doing and I was great with people. I had a sickness and it kept getting worse I could sit and blame people helping fuel my sickness. But it was me it just kept getting worse I was blacking out more and more. And I was not a daily drinker or did I drink like this with my kids. But as soon as I knew I could drink I drank to wash away and not feel all the hurt in my life. And now look at me.
And I have this guilt that someone is dead because of me. If I just would have gone to bed but I was very upset about my past, so I just had to keep drinking. And if you knew me, I was not that guy that just jump into cars with people. I was very picky with who was driving me, but I never thought it would end up the way it did.
I hate myself. I feel liking I’m not living up to others’ expectations. I hate that I feel the way I feel as it is hard to focus as it hurts so much. But then I will have a couple days that I will feel great, but these days come and go and do not know when. It scary sometimes when my patch is on the last day the pain is so unreal it is I just want to die. What scares me 10 years from now where my pain is going to be. And knowing my life affects others in many ways and you feel it would better if I had just put myself in a home. That used to be a fear, but it does not scare me. If Sheri would leave me tomorrow, I have only myself.
And this why I want to believe that my dream is still reachable. I want to record music and do videos. and if my dreams are not then why am I here for what reason to just keep fading away. I am lost right now. Sell it and just expect that I will not be doing that anymore because of my disability. The paralyzed life lol.
